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La javanaise

"If I told you about her, what would I say?

That they lived happily ever after? I believe they did.

That they were in love? That they remained in love?

I'm sure that's true.

But when I think of her - of Elisa - the only thing that comes to mind is a poem, whispered by someone in love, hundreds of years ago:

"Unable to perceive the shape of You,

I find You all around me.

Your presence fills my eyes with Your love,

It humbles my heart,

For You are everywhere."

[The shape of water, 2017]

What a waste...

"Mr. Perlman: You too had a nice friendship. You're too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was.
Elio: Oliver was Oliver.
Mr. Perlman: Parce-que c'etait lui, parce-que c'etait moi.
Mr. Perlman: What you two had, had everything and nothing to do with intelligence. He was good, and you were both lucky to have found each other, because... you too are good.
Elio: I think he was better than mine, I think he was better than me.
Mr. Perlman: I'm sure he'd say the same thing about you, which flatters you both. And, you obviously felt something.
You too have a beautiful friendship, maybe more that that. And I envy you.
Mr. Perlman: We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything - what a waste!
Mr. Perlman: Then let me say one more thing. It'll clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business, just remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there's sorrow, pain. Don't kill it and with it the joy you've felt."

[Call me by your name, 2017]

Da paz

"A minha vida nunca foi fácil. 
É, ela não foi. 
Nada foi me dado de graça. 
E não digo isso só de profissão, de estudos, de conquistas. Falo em todos os aspectos. 
A vida dos outros sempre me pareceu mais leve; mais lógica; mais natural. 
Minhas engrenagens não giram na inércia. Elas travam. 
Tudo demanda um esforço ferrenho para ser bem-sucedido. Energia, as minhas melhores. 
Às vezes me pergunto se quero dar essa herança para os meus filhos. Às vezes não quero não. 
Mas incansavelmente busquei o meu equilíbrio. 
A minha realização. 
Blindar aquilo que é mais caro para mim. 
Me desfazer do supérfluo, dos pesos, das complicações, da negatividade. 
Estabelecer limites, prioridades e importâncias. 
Certeza sobre o que eu queria ser. 
Convicções. 
E ainda assim, a luta é constante. 
Os obstáculos intermináveis. 
Querem roubar minha paz..."

[Thessa Avelar]